What are Limits in BDSM

by Baebi Hel

As a young, new submissive girl, I had no experience with BDSM before I met my Dominant. I didn't even know any of this kinky stuff actually existed. When my partner (who would soon become my Dominant) started to talk with me about BDSM, I found it all very strange, but I was interested and wanted to know more.

I told my Dominant that I felt afraid of losing myself in a Dom/sub relationship and I didn’t know what to do to prevent that. He told me that I could help to avoid losing myself in a relationship by setting my boundaries and limits. This surprised me because I didn’t know that submissives could have limits. I thought that being submissive was all about doing everything that your Dominant wants even if you’re not okay with that. I needed to learn more about limits in BDSM, so my Dominant told me to do some research and write this article about limits to help me understand them better.

If you’re new to BDSM like me… well we’re friends, let’s take this journey together. You can follow my story, learn with me as I experience new things, and share your own experiences with me. If you already know some of your limits in BDSM that’s great, let’s see what we can learn together from researching limits, maybe there will be some things that you didn’t know before.

What Are Limits

Limits are the boundaries that you set in a BDSM relationship. They’re an important component of a healthy relationship; they show respect and keep balance between yourself and your partner. Limits help to keep you safe, and talking about them can also bring you closer to your partner by promoting open conversation about your boundaries in the relationship.

According to my research there are 2 kinds of limits: hard limits and soft limits. Hard limits are things that you are not okay with or don’t want to do under any circumstances. Meanwhile, soft limits could be things that you are interested in but afraid to try, things that you don’t really like but would do if required, or things that you only want to do in specific situations, with specific people, or when you are in the right mood.

However, limits are not only about sex or kinky stuff. For example, my father used to force me to finish all of my meal even if I was full. He tried to make me feel guilty when I did not finish all of my food or when I didn’t want to eat foods that I hated the taste of. This happened when I was a child, but even now when I’m an adult he still tries to do the same whenever I eat with him. Doing this research on limits has made me realize that you can reject things that you don’t want to do, and that you can set boundaries or limits in any relationship, whether it’s with your parents, friends, family, or partners.

Your Dominant Must Respect Your Limits

Limits and respect are things that go hand in hand together. If your Dominant doesn’t respect your limits or care about what your limits are, that’s a red flag. A good Dominant will make sure that you feel safe and respected in your relationship with them.

In some situations your Dominant might want to push your limits, and have you try something that is one of your soft limits. Pushing your limits is different from forcing or manipulating you into doing things that you are not comfortable with. Your Dominant must still respect your boundaries and needs to have your permission before they try something with you that is a soft limit.

Your Limits Can Change

There’s no rule that says you can’t change your mind when it comes to your limits, it’s all about you babe, you can change your limits anytime. If you decide to try new things you could discover that something is not a limit for you anymore, that a hard limit has become a soft limit, or that something which was a soft limit before is actually a hard limit for you now.

Thinking About Your Limits

You should consider some of the things that could be limits for you, thinking about experiences that you didn’t like from your past relationships can help you to do this.

For me, there’s something that I used to do in my previous relationships but never enjoyed doing. I’ve decided that I don’t want to do it anymore, but I would still do it under the right circumstances. This means I need to make it a soft limit. The limit I’m talking about here is swallowing semen. I’m ok with having it in my mouth but I often find myself wanting to throw up after swallowing it.

One thing that I thought would be a hard limit for me is anal sex. In my previous relationships I never even tried anal sex because I was afraid of the pain and I just thought my butt was not the right hole for sex. But after I tried anal for the first time with my Dominant, I discovered that I actually enjoy it despite the pain. Although I find it enjoyable it’s still a soft limit for me because of the pain and because I only want to do it with a person who I trust deeply and who knows how to do it properly.

You Probably Don’t Know All of Your Limits Yet

It’s ok if you still don’t know all of your limits, this is a long journey. You’re learning something new and there’s no need to rush it. You will find out your limits as you explore BDSM, try new things and have new experiences.

Talking About Limits With a Friend

When you explore something new in BDSM, it can be great to have conversations and share experiences with others who have similar interests to you. You could talk about limits with your kinky friends or other submissives like you. While it’s important to discuss your limits with your Dominant, it’s also important to talk to other people, especially more experienced submissives, so that you are getting balanced opinions from different sources.

I had a conversation with my roommate about anal sex; I asked her if she had ever done anal sex before? She said that she hasn’t and she doesn’t want to try it. She then shared with me about her BDSM experience and her limits; her hard limits are oral and anal sex. She said that she doesn’t feel comfortable with someone going down on her and she doesn’t want to go down on anyone either, so she always makes it clear with her partners that she doesn’t want to have oral or anal sex.

We continued our discussion and I shared with her about a hard limit I had discovered. I tried nipple clamps a couple times; the first time I found that I didn’t like them because they just hurt. All I felt was pain, no pleasure. The second time I tried them, I was certain that they are not something I’m okay with. The experience turned me off. It was very painful and I can’t stand a lot of pain. After that I told my Dominant that I don’t like nipples clamps and I explained why. He acknowledged my limit and thanked me for telling him.

Another hard limit for me is electro play. When my Dominant took me to my first BDSM party, one of his friends tried electro play toys on me; It felt a bit ticklish but painful at the same time. I felt pain more than tickling, but most importantly I’m scared of electricity so I didn’t enjoy it at all. I decided that I’m not interested in receiving electro play, but I found that I like to do it to other people. I discovered this at the same BDSM party. There was a big guy stretched out on a cross in the middle of the room and a Dominatrix inviting people to play with him. I saw there was an electro play toy and I tried it on his nipples. I didn’t really know what to do, so I just kept pressing the button. At first the big guy was satisfied, but suddenly he said that it was too much for him, so I tried to keep it down after that. I liked his reaction when he felt pain; seeing someone being tortured and satisfied at the same time is so good.

My roommate told me that she had experienced electro play before, so she knew exactly how it felt, and she liked it. She said that nipple clamps are not really her thing but for her they are not a limit. She also recommended CNC to me because she thought that I would like it for some reason, maybe because I told her that being choked while having sex makes me feel good? I’m curious about CNC and I know that it’s something that my Dominant is into, so I think that we are going to try it.

Talking about limits with my friends and exchanging opinions has helped us to know more about each other, but it has also made me feel like I’m not alone on this journey. I enjoy having friends who learn things together with me.

What are Your Limits?

Making a written list of your limits is a very good idea, it helps you to sort out and understand your limits more clearly. Sometimes you may find yourself confused between your hard limits, soft limits, and things that are not actually limits, so writing down your limits can help you to make more sense of it all.

Because I’m still so new to this I’m going to need to try a lot of new things to find out what I like and don’t like. But for now I have a short list of things that I know are limits for me:

Soft Limits:

swallowing cum
anal sex

Hard Limits:

nipple clamps
electro play
control over my eating

Talking About Limits With Your Dominant

It’s important to discuss limits with your partner because your Dominant has to know about your limits and understand why they are limits for you. Your Dominant should ask you about your limits because that’s an important part of being a good Dominant, but it’s also important for you to tell your Dominant clearly about your limits and not just assume that they will know, because different people have different limits.

Your Dominant Has Limits Too

You also should know about your Dominant’s Limits. If your Dominant hasn’t told you about their limits, here’s how you can find out: ask your Dominant to tell you. They should be happy to have a conversation with you about their limits. Your Dominant’s limits may be more mental rather than physical, such as my Dominant’s hard limits which include dishonesty and girls who are not well behaved.

My Dominant’s soft limits include being pinched or poked, having marks left on his body (like scratches or bites), and smoking. But he told me that these are soft limits for him because it depends on the situation.

What’s Next?

As I mentioned earlier, I’m still new to this, so I’m going to try all sorts of new things to find out what I like, what I don’t like, and what my limits are. I’ll also be writing more articles like this to share my adventures with you as I explore BDSM, learn more about my limits and more about my sexuality.

I hope that you gained some useful information from this article, I hope that we will be submissive friends, and I hope that you enjoy learning new things together with me.